I was having lunch with my big brother George at Oxford St (I know it's so gay) this afternoon in a cafe so strategically situated that I think I have seen all the cute guys in Sydney in just one day. Not to forget to note that the food served there was delicious.
Fast forward to the part when George asked me what I fear the most in my life. For a second I couldn't work out the answer and after a few seconds I came out with an answer that apparently shocked him for a bit.
"Being poor" I said, with such certainty that even I myself couldn't believe what I've just said.
"oh wow!" he replied, didn't know what to say.
"I mean i can't imagine myself living a poor life, everything has to be in budget yadda yadda yadda!" I said again, further elaborated on the reasons why I fear being poor.
"yeh I can imagine. that's what I fear as well. but not so much as compared to the fear of being alone" He then said, the word alone started to hit me really hard for the first time in my life.
"it's for everyone!" I then said.
"yeh I know. It could be because you don't have family or friends, or somebody that you can count on. Or it is because you don't have a partner to share your life with. Here is the thing, no matter how great your friends are, or your family is, you still need someone special that you will sacrifice everything for and hopefully he will do the same. That's what we call the lifelong partner."
George just ascertained me that, as a gay guy, having a partner whom you can go a long way with is a must to save yourself from having to live alone in the future. The idea of not having someone, of not having a kid or a family when I am in my 30's or 40's kinda scares me sometimes, if not everyday. Unlike hetero couples, we don't have obligations or responsibilities to stay in a relationship once the feelings are gone. When it comes, we make the fullest outta it, when it goes, we don't even try to look back, moving on to the next relationship at a speed that you can never imagine. Good and bad, but mainly bad in a long run.
I personally am never lack of friends or family's love. My family loves me, so do my friends, I constantly have people around me. I know I'm one hell of a lucky guy. But come to think of it, with all the love I can get, no doubt I am starting to take things for granted. It's the I-don't-give-a-damn attitude that makes me never take my relationships as seriously as other people do. Or at least I would like to believe that I don't so that I don't get too emotionally attached to my bfs, and later on wouldn't get hurt when anything happens.
So afterall, what I fear the most is actually rejection and getting hurt. I couldn't imagine what it's like and I wouldn't want to know either. But I think I am starting to have a light touch on it and get a vague idea of how it feels like. It's worse than being poor, it's worse than having to keep everything under budget. I mean the mental effect is so much larger and alot worse as compared to the physical effect or financial effect.
So people, what is your biggest fear?
Fast forward to the part when George asked me what I fear the most in my life. For a second I couldn't work out the answer and after a few seconds I came out with an answer that apparently shocked him for a bit.
"Being poor" I said, with such certainty that even I myself couldn't believe what I've just said.
"oh wow!" he replied, didn't know what to say.
"I mean i can't imagine myself living a poor life, everything has to be in budget yadda yadda yadda!" I said again, further elaborated on the reasons why I fear being poor.
"yeh I can imagine. that's what I fear as well. but not so much as compared to the fear of being alone" He then said, the word alone started to hit me really hard for the first time in my life.
"it's for everyone!" I then said.
"yeh I know. It could be because you don't have family or friends, or somebody that you can count on. Or it is because you don't have a partner to share your life with. Here is the thing, no matter how great your friends are, or your family is, you still need someone special that you will sacrifice everything for and hopefully he will do the same. That's what we call the lifelong partner."
George just ascertained me that, as a gay guy, having a partner whom you can go a long way with is a must to save yourself from having to live alone in the future. The idea of not having someone, of not having a kid or a family when I am in my 30's or 40's kinda scares me sometimes, if not everyday. Unlike hetero couples, we don't have obligations or responsibilities to stay in a relationship once the feelings are gone. When it comes, we make the fullest outta it, when it goes, we don't even try to look back, moving on to the next relationship at a speed that you can never imagine. Good and bad, but mainly bad in a long run.
I personally am never lack of friends or family's love. My family loves me, so do my friends, I constantly have people around me. I know I'm one hell of a lucky guy. But come to think of it, with all the love I can get, no doubt I am starting to take things for granted. It's the I-don't-give-a-damn attitude that makes me never take my relationships as seriously as other people do. Or at least I would like to believe that I don't so that I don't get too emotionally attached to my bfs, and later on wouldn't get hurt when anything happens.
So afterall, what I fear the most is actually rejection and getting hurt. I couldn't imagine what it's like and I wouldn't want to know either. But I think I am starting to have a light touch on it and get a vague idea of how it feels like. It's worse than being poor, it's worse than having to keep everything under budget. I mean the mental effect is so much larger and alot worse as compared to the physical effect or financial effect.
So people, what is your biggest fear?
6 comments:
cheated and betrayed by best fren!
Being alone is definitely at the top. Death after all loved ones have long gone is a close second but I guess it's related.
i too feel being alone is a big fear. bt my current fear is nt being able to be with my bf :(
probably being poor too.. but i guess as long as there's income, im pretty much okay..
but talking about kids, you need not have one of your own, you can adopt and yet become a dad as well, at least that's what I planned to do if there is a need... :)
cheers..
death
of the loved ones
of the ones u cared so much
of all things living
where ultimately, we're all gone.
Come to think of it, I think every queer guy would and should be afraid of being poor.
Gay guy's do not have the privileged to continue after their financial fundings depletes, as for the straight guys, they still have their children.
See?
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